On the Outside Looking In

I've been meaning to write a review of this movie for months. So has my girlfriend. So we wrote our reviews together.

One of my favorite spots in the Disney Hollywood Studios theme park is The Magic of Disney Animation, nestled within the Animation Courtyard. I'm a fan of Disney's classics, Pixar's amazing body of work, and animation in general. This building served as a tribute to Disney's legacy of animation as well as an opportunity to entice fans with what's to come with teaser posters for upcoming Disney and Pixar films, which I would always check for. It's where I first saw the balloon-powered flying house with the word "Up" above it, knowing I would be in love with that movie. And it's where I saw a sillouette of a head, filled with circles of color and the words "Inside Out".

The poster also said "Meet the little voices inside your head." As a former philosophy student, an actor who has to be in touch with emotion, and a Gemini, I was eager to discover which voices of our pysche they'd be bringing to life. Even more than that, I was excited that Pixar was diving into some deep concepts to make a colorful animated film about it. I'm a huge fan of Pixar's films, and I knew that I was destined to be a fan of this one too, so there was no need for trailers to convince me to watch. If anything, I would rather experience the emotional rollercoaster without knowing any of the twists and turns ahead. Free of spoilers, expectations, and having already seen the cool moments and funny jokes. Since seeing that poster, I did my best to plug my ears and shut my eyes around anything that would give me any semblance of what I was in for. Which was difficult to say the least. However, by the time I was finally in the car to see it, all I knew was that the film was about the five emotions, they looked relatively human but with glittery hair, and Amy Pohler was one of them.
Well, I guess that's not entirely true. My girlfriend let slip one or two more of the voice actors. Which isn't a big deal but coupled with the character posters plastered all over Los Angeles, a picture was beginning to form and I didn't want that. This was the only time I was going into a movie virtually clueless, and getting to see it come together and unravel as the filmmakers wanted me to experience it. As we were looking for parking, my girlfriend asked if she could share a friend's thoughts on the movie, which had no specific details of course, yet I still responded with an abrupt no. That kind of shut her down, which I instantly felt bad about. So I tried to make up for it by apologizing, explaining myself, and lightening the mood, which was a little difficult. But we were so close to watching the movie! I knew once we were in the theater and seeing it, everything would chance and we'd be enjoying our time. Finally we were. And to my credit, I had no idea what I was in for.

Joy comes on screen. She is our guide into this emotional world. I immediately identify with her, not just because the filmmakers have made her the voice to trust, but also because she is an upbeat person who wants everyone to be happy and optimistic. She's a leader who is ready to take on challenges and fix problems. She enlightens us on the roles of the other emotions and how everyone fits together to keep the little girl they oversee alive and well. The film continues and the dynamic shifts. The world in which they live is tilted and changes occur. Before Joy and I know it, she is displaced and stuck with Sadness, the one emotion she just can't figure out. To make matters worse, Sadness getting in Joy's way and ruining everything. Literally, every memory she touches turns blue and is forever altered. And it was upon this revelation that I really identified with Joy.
Before everything went topsy-turvy, Sadness touched one of the memory balls they keep on hand for the little girl, Riley. When she did, it turned blue and became a sad memory. What was once a happy yellow experience is now a sad moment in Riley's life. When Joy panicked and ripped it out of Sadness' hands, it stayed blue. I thought to myself, why doesn't it change back when Joy touches it? Later on, thick in the topsy-turvyness, Joy finds Sadness has compulsively, unknowingly touched a long row of Riley's memories and turned them blue. Now I'm asking myself, why is she doing this? Even if she doesn't know why, what is the reason behind it? And why hasn't Joy figured out a way to undo it? I turn to look at my girlfriend next to me, and instead of insight I find tears are streaming down her face. Then I start to realize that she understands Sadness' actions and the laws governing the blue memories more than I ever will.
But Joy's actions are beginning to elude me as well. I understand her focused determination to get back to Headquarters and make things right. I cheer on her tactics of keeping things positive and moving forward. It helps to achieve the goal of getting back. But there was that one moment, when she couldn't get Bing Bong back on his feet, and it's Sadness who makes it happen. Not deliberately, but because she empathized with him and saw him through a rough moment. Nevertheless, Sadness accomplishes what Joy couldn't and begins to sees Sadness' strengths. Joy asks Sadness how she did that, and doesn't really get an answer, but Joy doesn't ask again. I see Joy on screen, now as an example for me, someone who is bouncy and upbeat, who doesn't understand those who aren't, and still accepts them for who they are.

I've had friends who struggle with depression. I know this only because they have made mention of it. Otherwise, I would have been oblivious to it. It was my understanding that depression was a temporary thing, like the doldrums, being in a funk, or waking up on the wrong side of the bed. When trying to being a supportive friend with the fix-it mentality, I thought all it took was cheering up. If it didn't help I'd become frustrated and eventually give up. Earlier in my life I dated someone who had issues with depression, and it led to a lot of issues with our relationship because I really didn't get it. I'd make this baffled face at her which would only make her feel worse and then we'd both end up being frustrated at each other. Like Joy, I thought there had to be a solution and it was most likely playing a game or focusing on something new. Eventually, with the help of news stories, Tumblr, and paying better attention to my friends, I began to understand that depression and anxiety weren't just feelings people tend to have sometimes. Even so, it wasn't until I realized Joy was never going to go back to those blue memories and try to fix them that I realized depression is not something I could just fix with a touch of my hand.
I still struggle with wanting to fix my girlfriend when she is succumbing to anxiety. Just as I am currently struggling to bring this essay to a conclusive point. But just as that is an ingrained part of my personality, I now know there are these quirks of her personality that are just part of who she is. Of course I still do my best to cheer her up and keep her from spiraling or catastrophizing. I've succumb to those behaviors, as everyone has, so I know sometimes you have to just stop it from snowballing and turn that frown upside down. But I also know now that sometimes you can't. I no longer get frustrated when I can't turn her into a bouncing ball of light and instead acknowledge these feelings are not a problem to be fixed. I now take notes from Sadness, to follow her example and just sit with her until she's ready to get back on her feet and resume finding a train of thought.
Sometimes my girlfriend and I don't hold the same perspective. Honestly, I find it's one of the best things about our relationship. When she's getting caught up in worry, I'm doing all I can to assure her that things are fine, and when I'm freaking out about something she's usually the one keeping me sane. But as an extrovert dating an introvert, our contrasting personalities can sometimes feel like opposing personalities. Watching Joy and Sadness, who have always been seen as opposites in most people's eyes, form a relationship and make it through this expedition together, felt very supportive of our relationship. Seeing them come together in the end, no longer being seen as opposites but rather two sides of the same emotion orb, shows me that her sadness and inexplicable moments is not something my joy has to fix. Just like all five emotions working together enriched Riley's growing personality, it shows me that her sadness working with my joy enriches our relationship.

I thoroughly enjoyed all the ways Inside Out visualized abstract concepts of thought and played with the funny little things about the human mind. But what I really brought home with me from seeing it in that theater was a greater understanding of a serious and, for me, elusive element of human behavior. Or to put it another way, I had a better idea of what my girlfriend and other friends of mine were going through. I realize that depression doesn't have a switch, anxiety is just as much of someone's personality as my often foolhardy optimism is a part of mine, and most importantly, that it's no wonder I couldn't wrap my head around it when it took Pixar's entire team just to help me start grasping these concepts. Really, I can't imagine how anyone with depression could possibly explain it by themselves. Luckily, now that it's out on DVD and Blu-Ray, we have a demonstration. I look forward to watching it again, paying better attention to it, and seeing if maybe I can get a little closer to relating to my poor girlfriend who was sobbing from having so much to relate to in this movie. Also because, again, I love Pixar and this a great film.

You can read my girlfriend's experience of this film here: On the Inside Looking Out

Mr. Allen would like to register his astonishment

I woke up about half an hour ago after catching up on the sleep I denied myself this weekend. The past three nights I gathered in the woods as dusk with the cast and crew of "Severus Snape and the Marauders"​, where we filmed a short epic film until dawn. The nights were long, cold, and last night they were rainy, but we made movie magic.

Last night I wrapped early, as did my cohorts Moony and Wormtail. We said our goodbyes while the rest of the team set up for the next shots. I took a while to part with everyone, just as I took a while to gather my things before finally leaving. This film was an experience, I don’t wanna let go of it. It occurred to me this morning I no longer have a need to take biotin pills, to listen to nothing but 70s rock music, or immerse myself in as much Harry Potter related material as possible. Though I probably will. But I realized I’m no longer working toward this goal of becoming Sirius Black. Shooting the film is now behind me, which means I can’t look forward to it and I have to move on to the next thing. I’ve already got the next thing lined up and coming up soon, but I enjoyed everything that putting this film together brought, I don’t want it to end.

Though, in a way, it won’t. We still have to gather one more time for one last scene in March. Once that’s over there’s still however long it’ll be before the film is finished. I’m fairly certain I’ll be hanging out with the Marauders again, only this time Snape and Lily can come along. It wasn’t just that four of us were playing best friends. We each had the time of our lives with each other as if we been in each other’s lives for the past seven years. And everyone is so funny! I don’t know how he did it, but our director Justin and producer Liana found the perfect cast and paired us up with an phenomenal crew. It’s my hope that I get to work with the crew again on another film in the future. If I’m lucky enough I’ll have them all together again! From our first day’s interior shoot with our awesome extras, things went smoothly. Everyone worked hard without faltering, we got so much done in a short amount of time, and from what the monitors showed, the film will look amazing. If anything is a testament to how great our team is, it was last night.

The day started off with everyone gathering in our three-room green room tent. The cast managed to dress taking turns in maybe two square foot of space. Our makeup artists for the night, Lanie and Allison applied their work in a cramped space while their cast members held lanterns and smartphones so they could see their work. And once they were done, we moved crafty into the tent. It was a little unorganized but for muggles trying to fit three rooms and kitchen into one tent, we did well. Meanwhile, the technical crew was outside setting up lights across a small field, in the cold rain, working for far less than they deserve, so that the cast and I could play wizard for a few hours. When our AD Nikolai brought us to shoot, I was proud to see that everyone was just as focused and dedicated as they had been since the indoors shoot. They had two cameras going at once, and John and Thor never missed their mark. If anything there was pressure on us performers to make every take perfect, because we knew Stuart and Paul made a whole forest look incredible, Joey was getting the sound despite generators humming in the background, and Brian would get a perfect shot no matter how much we threw ourselves around in the shot. If I was better with names I’d be able to say what each person in this crew contributed to the shoot, but I think it’ll speak for itself in the final cut. Everyone was so good at their respective positions that we finished an epic in the rain.

Being a part of “Severus Snape and the Marauders” was an experience. It was the most professional and dedicated production I’ve been a part of. Trying to become a part of the quintessential fandom of my generation is the most compelling thing I’ve ever been invited to be involved in. And while I’ve probably put as much pressure on myself to get a character absolutely right, I’m not sure I’ve ever had as much fun with a role. Zack, who plays Peter and was kind enough to drive me home, and I reminisced about our initial emotions when we learned that someone out there wanted to make a Harry Potter fan film starring the Marauders. Neither one of us thought we had a chance. After initial hesitation, we submitted ourselves in the hopes that maybe we would be right for the part. We were cast, we met the others and were intimated at how perfect each of our castmates are, and with our director we put our little film out there against difficult odds. It failed at getting it’s funding. We were bruised, but determined. We kept working, we educated ourselves and tried again. We succeeded. We kept working, we had fans, they made art and contributed themselves to our little film. Then, before we knew, we were doing it. It wasn’t until I saw myself in the monitors just before my take it finally hit me that I was playing Sirius Black. And now, I’ve done it. We did it. We celebrated our fandom and made a Harry Potter film. It took months for me for it to hit me that it was happening, so I can’t imagine how long it will take me to realize that it did happen. Perhaps when we release the trailer.